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I’m still here. Just a little worn out.

Sjoe! It’s been exactly a month since I last ‘blogged.’ A MONTH. Things have been so crazy. You may not remember but I wrote a post a while back about why I blog. Somewhere in there I mentioned ‘When I blog it means I have my shit together. I have made time for myself amidst the chaos of life. I am a better, more level headed person when I blog.’

Needless to say, I do not have my shit together at the moment. Sure, baby Seth is due imminently and I have everything sorted for him, but as for me – I am just a hot mess.

I can’t believe I have been on maternity leave for three weeks already. Part of me feels like I haven’t achieved as much as I thought I would in this time, and the other part feels like I should pat myself on the back because I haven’t had an easy pregnancy (but I’ll write about that another day. Or never.)

I don’t know if I’m just generally overwhelmed because my whole life is about to change, or that I am so worn out from 9 months of morning sickness, or if it was just a bad few weeks – but EVERYTHING is a mission at the moment. Every task feels monumental. Simple things, like packing the dishwasher is just tough stuff. (There is literally nothing difficult about loading dishes into the dishwasher – in case you needed some clarification.) It’s been a looooong time since I have felt this way and I hate this feeling. I’m not going to self-diagnose myself and say that I am depressed, because I’m not. (I know what that feels like and this is not that.)

I’m torn between making a list in an attempt to do all the things I need to do – but that will just lead to another list and another and another because I’m probably never going to get around to doing all the things on the first list anyway OR just cutting my losses, not doing all the things and focusing on the baby. But that also really annoys me because I can’t just stop being me and ‘me’ has a million and one things that she still needs to do.

OMW am I going to feel like this for the rest of my life? Torn between what I want/need to do and not doing them because I’m running around after everyone else? *Has panic attack*

Please send help. Tell me it’s all going to be OK and that I will find my groove and things will get better – because if I feel like this NOW, with no kids, it’s not going to resolve itself – it’s only going to get worse.

Update

I wrote all the stuff above at existential crisis o’ clock. You know what I’m talking about – it’s somewhere in the middle of ‘it’s been a long ass week’ and ‘it’s late, I should be sleeping but I can’t because my mind is being an asshole’.

This week was hell. It was drama followed by drama. They don’t say ‘when it rains, it pours’ for nothing.

See, it all started going wrong on Sunday. Like all emergencies, they wait for Sunday afternoon, when all the shops and helpful people are done for the day.

I’m not going to go into too much detail but basically we flooded the lounge by accident when we bumped the copper pipe on the radiator and it cracked. This lead to emergency plumbers having to come out and then painters, more plumbers and electricians over the next few days to sort things out. It was all very expensive and we had to spend money we don’t really have because yay, my maternity leave is unpaid. It’s ok though. Total first world problems. We were just cold for a few days because we could not put the central heating on.

What annoyed me more was that in the chaos, I lost an amazing freelance project because I could not deliver on time. It was enough cash to cover all the money spent on Sunday’s shenanigans. I feel like once you are up shit creek you just need to make yourself comfortable because you’re going to be there for a while.

It would seem that all is sorted for now (touch wood) so I’ve taken a few minutes to vomit all my messy thoughts onto my blog. It’s cheaper than therapy and healthier than wine (that I can’t drink anyway).

I think it just hit me harder than it should have because my morning sickness is worse than ever at the moment. I really think I need to write post about that. It’s affected my life in so many ways and I down played it a lot because I felt guilty for moaning about my pregnancy when other woman seem to be having the time of their lives.

Anyway, you’ll be happy to know that I managed to clean the kitchen and I did the mountain of laundry that I thought was going to consume my soul if it got any bigger. I feel much better already.

I don’t think I’ll be posting regularly over the next few months because I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant, but if you do want to keep in touch with me, I’ll be on Twitter. @_FairLeigh

Stay Sparkly!

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